On Goals

                As I was writing my last post there were many things that I started thinking I’d love to write about. Of all the things the one thing I remembered I wanted to talk about was goals. Goals are such a strange thing because they are so different for all of us. When we talk about goals they can range anywhere from getting a degree to gaining a new perspective. Sometimes they’re physical or tangible, sometimes academic or mental, and others could be emotional. Some goals are difficult to achieve, some impossible, and others might be trivial. No matter the case it’s goals that mold us into who we are, because our goals become our aims and objectives in life.

                When I was growing up I always dreamed big. I loved to plan out the rest of my life. Even if it was just a fantasy it was fun to do so. I had many goals in my life at a young age, and still have many. As I grew older my goals and life dreams changed a little. Some were because my interests changed, others because I matured, and others because I gained new perspectives on life. But nonetheless all of my goals have always been inspiring to me. So what is there to talk about goals anyways? Isn’t it just “people make goals, and that’s it”? Well I just wanted to write some thoughts because of the struggles I had in life when I made goals.

                I grew up Mormon, and there were many things thought about setting goals in church. I think this article the LDS church posted gives a pretty good summary of the Mormon Church’s perspective on goals. Since no one will probably read through that, the basic summary is that we should set worthy, high, but realistic goals. I think this is good encouragement but I just want to express why I think there are issues with the emphasis on those three things. First the value of goals and who sets them, second what makes a goal “high”, and third why do goals have to be realistic.

                The value of goals is something completely arbitrary. It’s just like a moral code, or personal ethics. Society has rules because we like to feel safe, but that doesn’t mean society makes things of personal value to you. Sure there are things like currency, diplomas, resumes, poll numbers, and other things society can give to you. It is innately you, however, that gives those things any value. If one day everyone decided that paper money was worthless the money would lose its value. So when parents, churches, schools, governments, or other people determine the value of your goals then the goal loses its personal value. That’s not to say that personal values can’t agree with social values, but that personal values shouldn’t have to agree with social values. I think one thing I struggled with so much as a child was the value I put on things. I put much more value on some things that were considered of no worth. When I got my eagle scout, I had a goal to finish it before I turned 14. My board of review (the last interview/final check-off to say you passed) was a week before my 14^th birthday. The council representative told me that birthdays are just a line in the sand and that if he’d have known that we would have scheduled for the week after my birthday. Clearly the value of the achievement to him was not about the when, but for me the when did hold personal value. There were other things that I did not value, and sometimes was criticized for my lack of finding “worthy” goals in life. Serving as a missionary I hated the fact that my goals needed to be things like how many people did I baptize or how many lessons did I teach. My goal as a missionary was not teaching lessons or baptizing people but merely to make other’s lives better. I never wanted to treat anyone as a waste of time just because they weren’t interested in baptism. But my goals could never be achieved because church leaders told me what goals held value and what goals didn’t. Personal goals should always have personal value, and if they don’t they shouldn’t be personal goals.

                What makes a goal “high”? So many times growing up I set extremely high goals for myself. I still have extremely high goals, and plan to achieve many of them. But what happens when we have too many goals that are too high? For me what happens is that I lose sight of the entire point of the goal. Some people set goals to lose weight, and when they set too high a goal they run the risk of losing focus on the purpose. When we are so worried about being “perfect” we run the risk of forgetting who we are becoming. When we go to church we often hear about how imperfect we are and what we need to repent of. When we go to school we’re sometimes reminded of how little we know, and how much we’re supposed to have learned. When we go play sports we’re sometimes reminded of our athletic ability and how out of shape or uncoordinated we really are. But if these things help to motivate us are they bad? Absolutely not, but for some of us they don’t help to motivate us. Sometimes I set really low goals for myself because I need to feel like I’m making progress. But those “low” goals often get repeated day by day and turn into great achievements. I have often felt so depressed because I’m constantly reminded of how imperfect I truly am. But when I focus on the little things in life my perspective is so much brighter. If I wake up every morning saying I’ll give a good effort that’s way better to me than writing down big numbers. You might say well you really should have set a “high” goal and then broken it down into smaller goals. You’d be right in saying that, but that’s not how I think. I’m very big picture, and very small picture. I’m not good with the medium picture. So until you think like I do stop trying to tell me how to set my goals. The difficulty of the goal doesn’t matter as much as the value of the achievement. Then again who am I to say that, you make whatever goals you feel are best. But don’t tell me it’s not worth it just because it’s not “high” enough.

                The idea of realistic goals is a very practical view on life. I always had influences on my life telling me to set realistic goals. Sometimes it was in a nice but pushy wording like the church article above. Other times it was being told in a way to “put my money where my mouth was”. For some reason dreamers are resented in our society, I never understood why. One of the reasons an ex-girlfriend broke up with me was because I sometimes have “high (and often unrealistic) hopes and dreams”.  I love making unrealistic goals for myself. If I set a goal that’s within reach how can I determine what is out of my reach? I do understand that if you fail to achieve your goals it might encourage an attitude of quitting. Making ridiculously high (possibly unrealistic) goals might make you come off arrogant. And there is no doubt that some people don’t see any value in the goal that you never achieve. All of these attitudes are fine, but remember that goals are personal. I actually developed what I call a quitting complex because when I was younger I was always told I couldn’t achieve my goals. Because of that my self-esteem suffered and it took a long time to work myself back up to the point of feeling like I could achieve things in life. So parents, teachers, church leaders, and everyone else please let the dreamers be dreamers. You may think different, but just think how you might have felt if you had a dreamer as a parent and teacher. They might have told you things like “you have no aspirations in life because you’re not willing to stretch yourself” or “you are weak because you think impossible is a thing”. If your way of setting goals for yourself works do it, but make sure you encourage anyone to set goals how they feel is best.

                Having gone to some counseling (which is good for anyone, not just if you have “problems”) I was able to realize that my goals were important. My dreams do matter, and because I have had dreams and aspirations I’ve achieved things in my life. I once compared it to climbing a wall or a mountain. For me it’s not about getting to the top that matters, but more the experience of the journey. We gain strength in trying the impossible. If we don’t achieve the impossible, we’ll certainly achieve many things on the way. There’s always an advantage to improving, and setting a goal that’s higher than reach just encourages us to stretch as far as we can. Life is a journey, and you determine the destination. But sometimes it’s not the destination that matters, but the experience on the way to get there.

Selfish Altruism

                Personalities are strange complicated things. I don’t understand why we have them. Is it genetic? I’m sure that has something to do with it. But I’m sure there is also a significant amount of social factors in it as well. Having taken many personality tests I have decided that the MBTI is the best description I can find for at least my personality as well as my close friends. Also the MBTI is the only test I've actually taken where I sat down and paid money for it (it was for a class so I had to take it). Well that was when I was a sophomore or junior in college a long time ago, and I was significantly younger (17 or 18, who knows and who really cares). While taking the test I had not yet really developed fully as a person, and also I had no knowledge of the test prior to it. So when I answered the questions I answered them without much bias and without reading into the questions so much. I got my results back and tested INFJ. I was happy because the results described me perfectly! I was also very upset because my list of suggested careers included: social worker, religious clergy, teacher, dentist, counselor, etc… As a young physics major none of these appealed to me, and I was so sad to be “stuck” with a personality belonging to the social sciences. I guess it’s no secret that most in the physical sciences look down upon the social sciences questioning if they can even really be called “science”. Even within the hard sciences you have a pride competition on who is the most useful or the purest of all the subjects. So for me as a cocky youngster, I could never dream of “lowering myself” to one of these petty careers. Little did I know that a few years later I would half regret my decision. I love the field I’m in, but often times wish I would have gone into psychology and counseling.

If you know anything about the MBTI then you would know the INTJ is known as the scientist. I was borderline INFJ/INTJ and I thought that maybe I was some kind of hybrid. I've looked deeper into the personalities and the details behind the letters, and I am definitely an INFJ. If you are also on the edge of deciding which you are, or if you think you are a “hybrid” I would suggesting reading this page. If you are an INFJ and decided to study or pursue a career in the sciences then you are not alone! There are advantages and disadvantages to our personality in the field, but that is a discussion for another day. Today I want to discuss the one part of an INFJ that one probably recognizes the easiest: extraverted feeling. INFJs are introverts, we love to think to ourselves and have time for ourselves. We love to have freedom to do as we please, and hate social commitments. We don’t like to be in the spotlight, don’t like to be publicized, and don’t like to be in large groups of people where it prevents us from one on one interactions. (Aside: At this point I will stop using the term “we” and use the term “I” or “me” because I can’t speak for everyone, just for myself.) Despite my introverted nature I have this innate extraverted feeling. It’s something I often wish I could turn off, but I can’t. What it means is that I feel what other people are feeling. I can sense people’s motives, and I can read people without realizing it. I have often come to quick judgments about some people throughout my life and been criticized for it. Then months later I end up being right about my analysis of the person. So this sounds awesome, one might ask why I would ever want to turn it off?

Well first off I do recognize it as who I am. I am happy with who I am, and if given the choice would probably not want to change. But there are issues I deal with every day that most people have no clue about. So let me describe a little of this extraverted feeling that happens in my life. When I watch a TV show I am the character. If someone is being tortured I “feel” the pain they are feeling. Watching breaking bad was one of the most depressing parts of my life because I was always trying to connect to the characters. I could never sympathize with any of them, but yet I was always rooting for the main characters. I hated myself because I was disgusted by how selfish and stupid all of the characters were. But yet I would end the show always feeling so depressed because the story in of itself is so depressing. I love war movies and TV shows, but so many times I watch them and remember that I would hate being a soldier. The fact that it is not any individual soldier’s fault they are in a war is what is so sad. Every soldier is afraid to die, but every soldier is ordered to kill. War truly is hell, and I feel so sorry for anyone who has ever had to participate in any way. If you are sick, I won’t be satisfied until I have done everything for you that I would have wished you did for me. It’s a favor to let me go buy you medicine, get you a drink, or make you food because I can’t sleep until I know there’s nothing more I can do to help. Even then I probably can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking about the pain you are in. Sometimes this can make me come off annoying or way too involved so I apologize it’s just my instincts.

Many people might describe me as kind hearted, altruistic, or just a super nice guy. What they don’t know is that I’m really not all that nice. Everything I do that is nice is actually to make ME feel better. I do things because I’m always thinking in other people’s shoes. I always think “I wonder how he/she would/does feel about this” and act according to what would make them the happiest. Through this I gain happiness because when others are happy I am happy. So sure I might be altruistic. I do some things that normal people wouldn't do. I have very much a martyr personality where I will gladly put myself into a bad situation to get someone else out. Sometimes I take the blame for things that weren't my fault because I know the person at fault already has enough to deal with. So yes all these actions and thoughts are altruistic, but are they really? Why do I do anything that I do? It’s because I feel better doing it or have some sense of relief by doing it. I do some things because I would feel too guilty not doing it. If someone is cleaning, I feel the need to help them clean. Not because I want to help them clean, but because I feel guilty because the lazy POS who’s not cleaning. So really I don’t have such a selfless nature after all.

So you’re probably wondering why I’m writing this as it sounds like a horrible attack on me and my personality. It’s not meant to be like that; it’s more just a way to express how I feel all the time. Sometimes you see a really nice person and you might say “gee I wish I was like them.” That’s very well-intentioned, but often times we are so quick to look at others and compare them to ourselves. I do this all the time. But that’s not really fair; I’m very different from them. The funny thing is I look at people who are bossy and always get what they want. Then I think to myself “gee I wish I was like them.” Often times I put others above myself when I really shouldn't. But as I've grown older and learned to put myself first it feels like I’m losing a part of my soul. It’s a living hell where I feel awful not helping everyone, but by doing so I don’t get the help I need. There is a balance which we all need to reach, and each of us needs to determine the balance that’s best for ourselves. I just want to express that just because you’re not a naturally sensitive person doesn't make you a bad person. Some people might find you unpleasant to be around, but trust me as a sensitive person there are plenty of people that find me just as unpleasant. That’s just a social thing you’ll have to learn in time, which is ok.

So really I just want to say that everyone is different. We all have different personalities and struggles. When each person is compared to another there will always be strengths and weaknesses. The important thing is to stop comparing ourselves to others, and looking at what we are and what we can be. If we compare ourselves to others it hurts us in two ways. First: we may look at someone who is better than us at something. If that’s the case we hurt ourselves by “trying to be like them” rather than trying to improve that part of ourselves. Second: if we see something that were better at than others often times we become relaxed and stop trying. That can be dangerous because if it’s something we really do wish to improve upon we are crippling our growth. So in closing I guess the main point I want to get across is that it’s fine to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. In fact it’s probably fair to say that most of us don’t do this nearly enough. But when we do we should remember that we live in our own shoes, and that’s ok. Some struggle with problems unseen, and to judge another person without knowledge of these struggles is extremely ignorant. We just need to remember our own struggles too, because to ignore our own hidden struggles would be just a ignorant. We all deserve to accept who we are.